Rotation Information |
Administration |
Rotation Information |
Administration |
The short summary
Help people to differentiate what they can and cannot change, and to live with dignity when the challenges they face are not changeable.
The modestly longer reflection
I have had countless patients over the years who have been involved in Alcoholics Anonymous and other “12 step” (referring to the 12 guiding principles) programs. With some exceptions, their experiences with these programs have been good, and have provided them with important lessons for sobriety and for living.
A frequent reference in AA is to “serenity,” or the “Serenity Prayer.” Drawing on 18th century roots, the Serenity Prayer was popularized in modern times by American Protestant theologian Reinhold Niebuhr. Most frequently cited is the first stanza:
God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
There is simple wisdom in differentiating things that you can change from things you can’t change. You can fix a leaky faucet and change the oxygen sensors on your Honda Civic. You may or may not be able to change your work schedule or assignments. You have relatively little control over your brother-in-law’s behavior or the tanking of your 401k.
Clinically, some people I see can probably make changes in their lives and stand to cultivate better problem-solving skills… with challenges like financial planning and developing budgets, or managing a diabetic diet. Many other people I see are distressed by circumstances outside their control, either external (such as the behavior of other people) or internal (such as unwanted thoughts or emotions).
If people can change their circumstances to make life better, great. If the circumstances they face are not easily changeable, then dwelling on this fact is usually not helpful, and the challenge is to live life as well as they can in the midst of whatever is going on.
So, sometimes asking directly:
I hear your concern and sadness about ___________. As you think about it, how much is this something that you can change?
Or
I hear your concern and sadness about ___________. You have been hoping that somehow you can change this or make it different. How is this working out?
If the answers to these questions point in the direction of something that patients can change, you bless them and encourage them to go for it. If answers to these questions point to a fruitless quest to change the unchangeable, then it becomes a matter of serenity in accepting this fact and putting their energy into being the best people they can, whatever this means to them.
Follow-up
Sort out for yourself which among the problems people bring to you are changeable or not changeable.
Cross-reference
Turn conversations to coping [December 2007]
3 approaches… change, cope, be healthy [August 2008]
Do something different [January 2009]
3 steps in brief office counseling [February 2009]
Fred Craigie, PhD